Hope that doesn’t get me in trouble on the internet.

Prosciutto, for instance, is just thin ham, but everyone nuts all over themselves for it? Silliness.

And dogs? Everybody chill out about dogs.

That’s true we’ve got the Swedish Chef out there— out here like woorf woorf woorf woorf woo-woorf woorf woor-berg and Rolf is always like… Uh, what does Rolf sound like?

You’re telling me I gotta sell this traditional goddamn bear to get that watch? A standard little brown-haired auburn bear with a sweet little button face and that tiny heart we make ‘em put in with the stuffing? You want me to sell that bear to get that watch, then goddamn it, I’m gonna bring back the Teddy like I’m fuckin’ Roosevelt.

And what we’re hearing right now is that we will be able to get either Saturday or Sunday off. Provided we attend the entire day at REDACTED.

Hey-hey, ho-ho, we will not be paid in snow!

Why are we diagramming evolution?

Why do we constantly have to work with you?

I am caught in this morpheous goo of not knowing what I’m becoming but knowing what I left behind… Like there’s no position more existential than the middle.

What sort of Twin Peaks nightmare did we stumble into with that one?

• It’s been a rocky quarter across the sector.
• Everyone’s poor now! You’re all poor!

I’m so sorry, Sam. They are called Heelies.

The two things that say rad: weed and Wheelies.

I can’t close on narwhals if corporate’s not giving us any unicorns!

Now my face might be burning, but is it really on fire if I can still produce… two doves?

Remember, the commemorative Hookah Hookah Ice Sculpture Contest Luau on deck five has been canceled, because deck five is gone!

My feed will never recover.

You have to REDACTED the dragon.

okay the rain feels VERY personal

the duality of nonsensers

If you would like to gasp again, I recommend finding a set of nice wired over-ear high quality headphones and then listen to your lossless audio again. It’s so nice.

you’re a wellness girly

• I’m now in Singapore
• Nice, go eat some nasi lemak

Don’t call me crazy, I’ll just tariff you harder!

May I interest you in a cup of our microplastic blend?

Your REDACTED? That’s a new one—and this is Vegas, I’m gonna go.

The EU is acting like an unpaid R&D development for Silicon Valley.

Je suis perdu dans l’espace, à trois millions d’années-lumière de chez moi.

As such, returns for the oneportager
I mean wuamblotion

NONSENSICAL NONSENSE RESURRECTED NONSENSE. Nothing is sense.

How far do your socks roll down?

liar, liar, pants on fire

If I were a weaker man, I’d wonder if he could take me in his arms and take away this loneliness I feel.

Yes, but when are you going to write something real?

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize we were doing fanfictions in nonsense format now.

God, I do not envy you watching this.

This is the sort of pedantic nonsense up with which I will not put.

I can’t say no falsehood.

Onto nonsense rule number 2: Don’t never use double negative.

Art? You spent 200 grand on an art degree?

Do you also have to learn a language that sounds like a throat infection?

Sounds like a great idea, with the best of intentions—what could possibly go wrong?

Stay with me [dot dot dot] I’ll take care of you.

nooo—

He is sugar, spice, and everything nice.

whoops, croffle break

Rumors going around at school that Santa Claus was actually just being played by the father figure of the household

Thanks to Shoulderlok, nobody knows my secret.

Shoulderlok — the safe way to stop your arm from exceeding the crucial Sieg Heil threshold.

What if you have emotional problems and you don’t have sufficient data to argue with people about politics on policy issues?

Well, in that case, we recommend a glass of SHUT THE F–K UP.

Side effects may include friendship, calm Thanksgiving dinners, and sharing a country with people whom you disagree.