HAVE YOU SEEN HIM?
Now you have. This guy is wanted several highly illegal crimes such as cross-dimension travel, theft, and crossing the street at a red light. Please proceed with caution as this guy is very dangerous. I mean, look at him. What even is that, some kind of badger? A very strange and disgusting creature indeed. Oh, and he’s very short. Like, absolutely tiny. You’ll know what I mean when you see him. But don’t approach. This is a very dangerous criminal we’re talking about here. Stay alert and inform the authorities if you spot this dude. By authorities I mean the cook in Schnitzelville. The cook is actually also our Mayor. I mean, they’re so good at cooking schnitzel, can you think of anyone better to run REDACTED! Me neither. Anyway, like I said, watch out!
WORM SPOTTED IN REDACTED
I am absolutely thrilled to announce that there has been a worm sighting close to the Condo building this morning. My hands are trembling as I’m writing this, and I am struggling to comprehend my own words as I genuinely cannot believe this monumental discovery. A real live worm in our humble country. What a tine to be alive. Our photographer was so hoboured to be able to take a photograph of this magnificent creature, who unfortunately denied our humble request for an interview, but to be honest just being able to print a genuine photograph of this legendary beast is more than anything any resident of [refacted] could have ever wished for. I don’t know about you guys, but this is genuinely the greatest moment of my life. Absolutely nothing could top this. A worm in REDACTED. I could never even dreamed of being alive during such a historic moment. Now look at me, writing an article about possibly the most significant event to occur in REDACTED history. Perhaps even the world? Surely there could be no future event that could top this one. Honestly my life is pretty much complete now, I don’t even need to keep writing articles anymore. My ultimate life goal has been achieved. What…what do I even do now? Nothing will ever match the joy I feel in this moment. That’s it. I have no more goals to aim for, no more dreams to chase. What is a person without a goal in life? Simply a husk, simply existing, no rhyme or reason, returning to pure instinct. If I have no purpose, what am I? Who am I? Life is now merely a film - memories but flashing pictures on a screen as I fulfill my basic necessities. I am nothing without the worm I chase.
DELIVERY WORKER WANTED!
CONTACT
